Wednesday, 30 April 2014

TW: Ice cream crisis

Last night I cried in my boyfriends arms because he offered me ice cream. 

Yep I did that. In a terrible moment of vulnerability I balled to him because I felt bad about my weight gain.

This makes me feel somewhat shameful, but not for the obvious reasons. Mostly because I've spent two years really focusing on positive body image, and also attempting to spread that message and help others. And here I was broken down because of a 30lbs weight gain.

I don't know why I did it, but yesterday I went on My Fitness Pal (a calorie counting site, that I was a member of) for the first time since I began this journey. (well at least part of it was because a friend told me that semen was infact listed as a trackable item...anyway I digress...)

The decision to give up weighing myself and dieting was a complete 180 turn from the previous year, where I had began a blog detailing my "shameful" eating past, and generally put myself down, and "motivated" myself to get thin by calorie tracking and exercising and even basing my smart phone choice on the ability to have the myfitness pal app where ever I went.

At the point I quit MFP, I was down 23lbs and the smallest I'd been in a while, but something finally clicked and I thought..this sucks. I refuse to do it any more, and so began my journey down a completely different road - one that encompased fat acceptance, intuitive eating, Health at Every size, body love, NO diets and no weighing myself.

I have absolutely ZERO regrets about this, its the best thing I ever did for myself, but when I went on myfitness pal yesterday and saw that when I quit, I weighed 198lbs, the old thoughts and feelings and shame and bullshit came crashing down. Today I have no exact idea what I weight but I know its somewhere around the 228lb mark - over 2 stone heavier.

I had rather smugly thought that I was weight stable and suddenly seeing those numbers - for a second they became all powerful again.

My clothes are definitely tighter and I feel as though its all happened in the last few months and I don't really know why. I've been eating what I want for 2 years and didn't feel like I was changing...and then BAM - up two dress sizes.

The most stupid thing about this, is that it all fits in perfectly with my beliefs about dieting. That in fact my lower weight was never going to be maintainable (past the 5 year mark) and I've gained back what I lost plus a few pounds interest. I know from my own experience and the experience of others, not to mention actual studies that this is the most likely outcome of intentional weight loss.

Two years I've worked to change my mentality. I don't hate being fat. I like myself in general, I feel better and more attractive that I've done than any point of my life. And so I feel fraudulent being upset about it all. Sometimes our emotions just have to be felt even though they don't fit in with our beliefs and logic.

Logically this is not a big deal, and I've been very vocal about my thoughts around weight gain, and fat and weight and diets so I guess that's were the fraudulent shame comes in.

Its all OK though. I wanted to write about this because I've been doing some work around body image with my roller derby team (#harlothappybody) and I really wanted to show others that body confidence, and self acceptance really is a roller coaster journey, one that will have many twists and turns, highs and lows, but its a battle 100% worth fighting.

I don't want anyone to think that I don't have moments of insecurities or I'm smug in thinking I'm wonderful all the the time, because I don't think any of us do.

My plan to deal with the way I've felt in the last few weeks:

  • To not worry about it and to re-immerse myself into positive thinking and good sources of varied media rather than mainstream "O.M.G she gained 2lbs, here's how she lost it with her new miracle diet!" kind of crap.
  • To absolutely make sure I'm not weighing or measuring or thinking about stupid numbers that have no baring on anything.
  • To reconnect with my body though intuitive eating and getting more exercise. My eating is a bit broken, I do use food to soothe and dieting is has NEVER has been the answer to that.
  • And finally to let my body size lie where it lies, as long as I feel happy and healthy in myself.

As for the ice cream...I had a few bites. It was pina colada ice cream, but I wasn't hungry, so I didn't need to eat a bowl of it. And that is how I roll. 

(If you're interested in Intuitive eating I highly recommend this handy pocket guide!)

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Old Blog, New Projects. OOTD

So my blogging ability yet again failed and I haven't posted in an absolute age! I have however not given up my commitment to body positivity, fatshion or clothes swaps! Last year myself and Sarah who I met at a swap started running our own swaps based on the Yorkshire Rad Fat collectiv ones. We had three in total in 2013, and this year we're ready to really get the word out and make them something extra special!

I'm now doing the odd post at our official Plus Swap Notts site, so if you follow me here, please go and follow over there as well! I've duplicated this OOTD post that I wrote for that site since its relevant here too.

I want to showcase some of the great pieces I've essentially got FOR FREE at plus swaps so you guys can see what a great idea they really are!

I'll start with this pink dress I got at the first swap Sarah and I ran. Its a H&M dress in a pink hounds tooth fabric. Ultra comfy, 60s vibe and fun to wear.

I'm really not a pink person at all, but I saw this and loved it! Its something you can literally just throw over leggings and in my mind constitutes a whole outfit!

Worn today with my ankle height, cowboy boots and purple hello kitty glasses

More outfit posts with Plus Swap finds coming soon!

Don't forget its now only 3 weeks on Saturday until the next Nottingham Swap! Details of the event can be found on our facebook event via our facebook fan page!

Thursday, 14 February 2013

OOTD - Office Glam on Valentines Day

Hello my lovelies! Thought this ultra glam (for me!) outfit was perfect on a day like today. I don't really dress up a great deal, but work is the one place I do tend to go to town a little. I can fairly well wear what I want, and being a graphic designer means I also get away with being a bit oddball. So sometimes its jeans and t-shirts, sometimes crazy dresses and heels - so I'm pretty lucky.

Black off the shoulder top size 18 (newlook odd season)
Pencil skirt from the rad fat swap size 18
Red tights (gifted)
Irregular choice heels (also past season - they were my wedding shoes 4 years ago!)

I clearly think I look badass in this shot - but I've just ended up gurning. hah

I even did a weak attempt at victory rolls...

Shoes shoes shoes!

I won't be up to much tonight as hubby is working. What is everyone else up to? ;-)

Thursday, 7 February 2013

OOTD - Spikes and chain mail


You'd think all those years of obsessive America's Next Top Model watching would have helped...clearly not...

I got this jumper as an impulse buy from TK Maxx a few months ago a) because it had spike studs which is trend I really wanted to buy into and b) because it was super cheap and a bit weird.

I found a really cute pencil skirt at the same time but could only afford to get one item. Hubby was consulted and he said I should get the jumper. (Never listen to men, I'd have worn the pencil skirt loads by now!)

The jumper is a nice chunky knit wool, and the silver wool on the front has shiny thread woven into it, so it kinda looks a bit like a chain mail effect.

Really wasn't sure what to do with it. I do have a bit of a thing about my arms and much as I try and not really give a shit anymore, some shapes don't sit or look right on my shoulders in my eyes, so I chucked a long sleeve black top underneath.

I'm wearing silver tights with it and the creeper wedges again. The skirt is actually my top - as I couldn't find my black mini when I took the pics - hence why its super short, but I actually think this looks alright! If I could find some plain black shorts that look like this I'd totally wear them.

Do you guys get crazy impulse stuff and then have no idea what to do with it?

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

OOTD - brown polka dots

How about a quicky work outfit? Yep, yet another fat swap find...(look I'm going to pay it forward by putting on the Nottingham one hopefully so its all good!)

I have some very dodgy faces and poses going on in this one..try not to laugh too much :-)

Fat swap dress, basic black top from peacocks, black leggings,

Kitty photobomb!

Coat given to me by me mam. Past Peacocks season

What is this pose? lol

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

OOTD - Wet look leggings

Been a while again. Things seem to be a bit crazy at the moment, I need to get my shit together. I seemed to have picked up a a few randon little freelancy type tasks of late, coupled with work being hectic my down time at the moment is spent it should be!

Anyway. I'm still wearing and discovering all the awesome things from the fat swap (I only took as much as I brought honest! lol), these wet look leggings are yet another awesome find!

They surprisingly aren't too see through so I can wear them without some sort of arse covering skirt. To be safe I still wore black tights underneath with this outfit.

T-shirt from Asda G21 (Christmas pressie) in a size 18.
Wet look leggings from the fat swap size 18
Wedge creepers from ebay (god I love these shoes!)

You can tell from the way I'm holding my body I feel sassy in this outfit. I wore it to a gig, so was going for the rock look.

Duck face!

I'm growing my hair out at the moment, with the exception of the bangs. Its been a good few years since I've had hair this long - I normally religiously have a concave layered bob and I'm loving the length, but I tend to wear it either down and straight or a pony tail. Need to try out some funky dos, but I'm pretty rubbish at hair. Any ideas what up dos you can do with a fringe/bangs? xx

Thursday, 31 January 2013

OOTD Vintage Tea Dress

Oh man, I have been both mega busy and mega ill! I have so many pics for outfit posts in the pipeline but this is first chance I've had to post them!

So anyway..a few weeks ago three of fave plus bloggers Lolly, Rachel and Lisa posted about this tea dress from Very being reduced to £10.50.

I'm a massive sucker for a bargain so I couldn't resist, and it looked fab on all three of them.

I ordered the 18, and it fits OK apart from the top, its built for someone with alot more breasticles than me. I could probably have got away with the 16, but they didn't have it in stock when I ordered.

I'm wearing it with grey tights and black wedges.

As you can see, its very roomy up top on me, so if you're a larger cup size it would be perfect.

I decided to try it with my cute bow cardigan and this felt much more like me. Digging this pairing.

Overall for the money I think its really cute. I think it would be perfect for a summer wedding, or summer work wear.
Its still available on the Very website, but its now back up to £21.

Check out Lolly, Rachel and Lisa's blogs to see how they styled it.