TW: Ice cream crisis

Last night I cried in my boyfriends arms because he offered me ice cream. 

Yep I did that. In a terrible moment of vulnerability I balled to him because I felt bad about my weight gain.

This makes me feel somewhat shameful, but not for the obvious reasons. Mostly because I've spent two years really focusing on positive body image, and also attempting to spread that message and help others. And here I was broken down because of a 30lbs weight gain.

I don't know why I did it, but yesterday I went on My Fitness Pal (a calorie counting site, that I was a member of) for the first time since I began this journey. (well at least part of it was because a friend told me that semen was infact listed as a trackable item...anyway I digress...)

The decision to give up weighing myself and dieting was a complete 180 turn from the previous year, where I had began a blog detailing my "shameful" eating past, and generally put myself down, and "motivated" myself to get thin by calorie tracking and exercising and even basing my smart phone choice on the ability to have the myfitness pal app where ever I went.

At the point I quit MFP, I was down 23lbs and the smallest I'd been in a while, but something finally clicked and I thought..this sucks. I refuse to do it any more, and so began my journey down a completely different road - one that encompased fat acceptance, intuitive eating, Health at Every size, body love, NO diets and no weighing myself.

I have absolutely ZERO regrets about this, its the best thing I ever did for myself, but when I went on myfitness pal yesterday and saw that when I quit, I weighed 198lbs, the old thoughts and feelings and shame and bullshit came crashing down. Today I have no exact idea what I weight but I know its somewhere around the 228lb mark - over 2 stone heavier.

I had rather smugly thought that I was weight stable and suddenly seeing those numbers - for a second they became all powerful again.

My clothes are definitely tighter and I feel as though its all happened in the last few months and I don't really know why. I've been eating what I want for 2 years and didn't feel like I was changing...and then BAM - up two dress sizes.

The most stupid thing about this, is that it all fits in perfectly with my beliefs about dieting. That in fact my lower weight was never going to be maintainable (past the 5 year mark) and I've gained back what I lost plus a few pounds interest. I know from my own experience and the experience of others, not to mention actual studies that this is the most likely outcome of intentional weight loss.

Two years I've worked to change my mentality. I don't hate being fat. I like myself in general, I feel better and more attractive that I've done than any point of my life. And so I feel fraudulent being upset about it all. Sometimes our emotions just have to be felt even though they don't fit in with our beliefs and logic.

Logically this is not a big deal, and I've been very vocal about my thoughts around weight gain, and fat and weight and diets so I guess that's were the fraudulent shame comes in.

Its all OK though. I wanted to write about this because I've been doing some work around body image with my roller derby team (#harlothappybody) and I really wanted to show others that body confidence, and self acceptance really is a roller coaster journey, one that will have many twists and turns, highs and lows, but its a battle 100% worth fighting.

I don't want anyone to think that I don't have moments of insecurities or I'm smug in thinking I'm wonderful all the the time, because I don't think any of us do.

My plan to deal with the way I've felt in the last few weeks:

• To not worry about it and to re-immerse myself into positive thinking and good sources of varied media rather than mainstream "O.M.G she gained 2lbs, here's how she lost it with her new miracle diet!" kind of crap.

• To absolutely make sure I'm not weighing or measuring or thinking about stupid numbers that have no baring on anything.

• To reconnect with my body though intuitive eating and getting more exercise. My eating is a bit broken, I do use food to soothe and dieting is has NEVER has been the answer to that.

• And finally to let my body size lie where it lies, as long as I feel happy and healthy in myself.

As for the ice cream...I had a few bites. It was pina colada ice cream, but I wasn't hungry, so I didn't need to eat a bowl of it. And that is how I roll. 

(If you're interested in Intuitive eating I highly recommend this handy pocket guide!)

Hippys, rainbows and unicorns

So yesterday I posted a link to this Paul Compos article on my facebook yesterday. I've been posting more and more interesting counter "obesity war" articles lately and they largely go ignored or I get the odd like.

Well yesterday it caught the attention of someone I must have added at some point due to Roller Derby (thankfully I don't actually know personally). He repeatedly insisted that weight can be controlled by diet and exercise by 99% of the population. And despite my very careful reasoning, and explanation of WHY I have have come to the conclusions I have, he repeatedly insisted his point.

What got me was he had the gall to question me about my sources when I said I held PERSONAL belief about set point theory (based on my own experience) and that dieting messes with it, yet kept throwing the stupid weight registry study at me, which is skewed, ambiguous and badly reported, but of course he wouldn't accept that either. Once I gave it my best shot I deleted him but he messaged me and said I was being uncivil!

He had no response to my general comments about it being non of his concern whether people were fat or not or the fact that whether they could indeed control their weight was irrelevant - or the blatant ableist paths this pointless argument inevitably takes anyway. Basically he was a total douche canoe and I don't know why I even engaged with him as he wasn't open to discussion. But you know, since it was something I posted in public and he came to my page to tell me that I'm wrong (and to be honest I'm a sucker for an argument), I had to defend myself. My point after all with posting those kind of articles on my FB profile is to provide people with alternative messages in the hope that it will at least give them something to think about. So what right does he have to come along and just flat out say that I'm full of shit? Disagree by all means, but don't just dismiss my opinions and harass me.

As my first little proper run-in with a weight bigot determined to derail me, I was fairly pleased with how I handled it. My own mother even stepped in mid flow to say she was proud of me, bless her (I wish she would take more stock of the things I'm saying because I know she's unhappy about her body and wants to lose weight, but thats another story entirely). As a mere hatchling HAES advocate I did OK - although in the end it achieved nothing.

However it did get me thinking about my beliefs which is a good thing, not in what he was saying, because its NOTHING I haven't already heard, but in the fact that even if I woke up in a world tomorrow where HAES & FA were utterly dismissed as complete tripe with no support, (which is simply not true) then I would still see great positives in the movement and would still chose to believe and support it.

This is what I don't understand about people who try and aggressively debunk HAES supporters specifically. Its offering a kind, healthful approach to eating, encouraging people to love and take care of their bodies. No one has to believe in it, or follow it for themselves, not even fat activists (as many don't) - but what harm is anyone doing by believing in it and adopting it? The way fatophobes talk about it, you'd think it was about killing babies and puppies. Why not live and let live? I guess that answer comes down to the role of privilege and how much people have invested in the idea that they are morally better. To just let the fatties be, is to relinquish their own superiority.

I'm an atheist. I don't follow a religion, I don't agree with it, its not my choice, but I don't go around trying to disprove the existence of God to Christians or tell them their beliefs are harmful. Its none of my business!

Except HAES isn't a religion, it does have science behind it, plus something much more valuable than ANY study - the experiences of real live people! People living fat lives who are worthy of respect.

So even if people think (and I know many do, even my friends) think that body acceptance, HAES and fat acceptance is all hippys, rainbows and unicorns then tough shit, because I see the positivity it brings and the affect it has on peoples lives, (including my own) everyday. I also see the terrible, disgusting, detrimental effects that the flip side has and for me there is no going back. 

The journey to body confidence

I'm pretty new to all this I have to say and my journey so far has been great. I've always been a fairly confident person, despite being larger than socially acceptable. I was never really bullied at school or anything like that so for the most part I got on with being fat as it didn't really effect me that much.

The only time its really affected me is in the clothes area. When I was a chubby kid growing up I was way past kid sizes before I'd even hit about 11. Wearing a ladies 16-18 meant that I was so limited by what I could wear. Couple that with the 90's fashion of leggings/tight trousers (before they were reinvented and cool) and short tops, it left me feeling incredibly self conscious about my stomach. Looking back now I realise that actually my torso is really long and I'm pear shaped, and was never built for even normal length tops let alone short ones! But with money not in abundance, a severe lack of plus size clothes back then, growing up as a teenager I had no chance in the fashion stakes.

Around 13 here? Hiding under baggy clothes

I remember a period when I was about 14 where I got away with the tight trousers/too short t-shirt combo by tying a jumper around my waist. I was so ashamed of my lower stomach sticking out that I tied something around it at all times. How ridiculous!?

 I briefly flirted with the idea of being a goth

It wasn't until I got into my grungy baggy jeans and t-shirt phase later on in my teens that I began to feel more comfortable, although still too fat, and very far from feminine. By the time I hit 21 I had started to mature a little in what I was wearing, I felt like I was getting too old for stripy knee high socks, baggy jeans and band shirts (ppffft old, smold!) and rediscovered fashion. By this stage I had continued to gain weight and was a size 22. I felt OK, but still society told me my body was wrong...although it had at least acknowledged that plus size girls need clothes too and shops like Evans were easier to find (new look inspire, yay!). Shoes became my biggest passion - the easiest way for a bigger girl to feel fabulous...

I trucked on like this for a while, my wardrobe became more varied, but I still tried to diet intermittently with little or no success. Around 24 I actually just stopped dieting, relaxed a bit and before I knew it I had dropped a few sizes without much effort (more personal proof that dieting doesn't work for me - or anyone for that matter, but that's another blog post entirely). I also collected a huge amount of irregular choice shoes, they were actually my babies!

Then BAM! I was 25 and along came this crazy sport called roller derby. I just took one look and fell in love. I have no idea why, I hated sport at school - I used to accidentally on purpose spill coke on my PE kit as an excuse! But whatever the reason I did and it really did change my life.

This is me not long after I started roller derby

(I have to say it is slightly photoshopped lol)

I went from very little exercise to training a few times a week, and before long as we got more serious it became more like 3, 4 even 5 times a week. The weight stayed steady for a while. Although I was exercising more I was also eating more as I was constantly hungry, but the best thing of all was that there were women much older than me still parading around in their knee high socks and frilly skirts, and band t-shirts and goth stuff and just generally being awesome. It finally opened my eyes to the fact that if you have the confidence to wear it, it will look good and you should please no one but yourself when it comes to the clothes you pick.

Suddenly I found myself in a community where all women of all sizes were celebrated as sports women - big bums and thick thighs suddenly became desirable and a sign of hard work, or a good blocker.

Even through all this though society still told me I was too big for this or that fashion, I should be dieting and spot training (which is actually impossible incidentally) to "lose my bingo wings", "tone that tum" and if I couldn't do it, there was something wrong with me. Somewhere in the back of my mind I still believed it.

I like to eat!

Things changed when I broke my ankle. Stopping training sucked and it also meant my weight went up. I gained just under a stone in 4 months. Coming out of healing process I vowed once more to go on a diet, albeit a "healthy" one to lose the weight. I started calorie counting and like all diets before it I could go 1, 2 or even 3 months being "good" and inevitably binging and feeling out of control around food. I was on the cusp of a size 16, but mostly wearing 18's then plateaued. My weight was actually fairly stabilised. And if I'm honest I knew despite my odd tendency to overeat I actually had a pretty healthy lifestyle in balance, but dieting actually made me eat more and gave me a bad relationship with food.

 I also love having my picture taken...

Then another BAM! I discovered HAES (Health at Every Size) - a principle that teaches that all bodies are good bodies and that, with a bit of self love, we can all take subtle, enjoyable actions to make ourselves more healthful. It takes away the judgement of people - goes against dieting mentality and against the idea that overweight or obese automatically = unhealthy and that thin is automatically = healthy.

What a revelation! There's nothing wrong with fat bodies, and here's the big kicker...

Its non of anyone's damn business if someone owns one or not, or how they chose to procure and maintain said body!

I've tried explaining this to friends, but if I mention the words "fat acceptance" the first thing anyone says is "Stop the press! Isn't that promoting unhealthy lifestyles!?" Umm no... My usual response to this is "Because the media is so full of healthful role models like Kate Moss right...??"

With all this comes the self questioning. Why do I want to hide away parts of my body? Why are certain things not acceptable? Who's actually bothered? Will the world collapse if my fat arm is hanging out and still waving a big "Hiya!" long after I've finished. No! Will I feel liberated and like a bit of a rebel? Yes! Will I open myself up to critism from others? Humm Maybe... But if I feel good in something then who gives a shit!?

So after this pretty long and drawn out post what is my point? Well there are still two main areas of myself that I struggle to really love or accept even. That is the aforementioned bingo wings, and my lower stomach/hip area. I have saddle bags on the tops of my thighs then I go in, then I go out again around fat hips and my lower stomach sticks out. Its not particually easy to love, but I find that by being kind in my mental voice, and appreciating my body for its worth as a whole rather than its looks its slowly become easier to love youself a little more.

My right saddle bag is noticably bigger than my left because I had a car accident where I pulled out infront of a lorry (yes massive idiot) and actually nearly killed myself. Instead of dying however the brunt of the impact was on the driver door and my right thigh. I came away with nothing more than a pizza sized bruise on my leg and a bit of a fleshy lump. So in a way my fat juicy thigh saved my life, and my extra saddle bag is just an awesome scar and representation of that!

So I'm vowing to keep practicing a little self love, body acceptance, looking after myself physically and mentally, even if that means eating an entire tub of Ben and Jerrys on a Sunday afternoon. Because actually living my life is the most important thing, and its carrier vessel is so much more than something to look at.

But hey, if I can dress it to look damn good, then I will! ;-)