Thursday, 20 September 2012

Inner voices

Hello my lovelies, just wanted to blog a bit today about our inner voices and how much they affect everything we do in our life, and for the most part ,can be our biggest enemy.

On my journey to start loving my body I've regularly started practicing using comments that are kind and helpful. With the aid of all you seriously fierce bloggers out there, its slowly getting easier to quiet down the negative comments. Don't get me wrong they're still there, but they're not shouting anywhere near as loud. One thing I've found helpful is to ask myself why I think the things I do about my body. If I look in the mirror and think to myself:

"Urgh my loose arm skin looks horrid!"

I force myself to ask: Why do I think it looks bad? How can I turn that around? Who is my loose arm skin effecting? Who says its not acceptable? Who actually gives a shit? Where do my perceptions that is it "ugly" come from? If I see someone else with fat arms do I judge them? Why?

When you start posing these kind of questions to yourself it starts to become easier to see through the BS you've been fed and start seeing that there is nothing wrong with you!

Since when was my agenda ever to be "acceptable" anyway? Don't I want to be extraordinary? Special? A bit of a rebel? Don't I just want to be me??


 And yet, whilst I'm slowly recognising the inner voice that tells me "I look wrong", "I could be more attractive if I was thinner", "I SHOULD be thinner", "Being thinner = better life",  its started to make me realise how much self bashing I do in all areas of my life and how impactful negative self talk is.

I've mentioned briefly in other posts that I play roller derby. I don't want to go into huge detail about it but its a major part of my existence and I can't help relating a lot of things to it. Its actually helped me understand me, and I continue to surprise myself in this journey of understanding. Anyway...I'm utterly motivated by it, and yet I find myself holding myself back by retaining negative thoughts instead of clinging to, and reinforcing, the positives.

During practive I find myself apologising to team mates if I think a block or a hit, or a turn or a stop isn't executed right. I mentally berrate myself if I start to feel tired, uncapable, out of my depth. I come home feeling low and as though I'm not reaching goals and targets quick enough, particularly when others around me are excelling quickly. (Comparing yourself to others in any rarely a good idea)

Its utterly frustrating and at times incredibly mentally demanding. Its the nature of any competitive sport I guess, but you know whats not helping? Me - or more specifically my negative inner voice.

By chosing to allow those comments..."What did I do that for??" "Seriously I'm an idiot??" "OMG she just saw me when I fell over my own feet for no reason!" to circle in my head I'm building a self belief that I'm not good enough, which in turn makes me feel like I'll never achieve what I want to.

If you chose to believe you can't. You never will.

I look at some of my team mates who have, or are becoming successful and I realise that although I can't read their minds, outwardly they never (or very rarely) engage in negative talk. Because not only is my internal monologue negative I often voice the thoughts to others too, which just reinforces it! My successful team mates speak only of how they did something well, how they will nail it next time. They very rarely apologise for mistakes even when they make them. Why should they? That's what practice is for.

Even when I do get compliments I find myself reflecting a self depricating comment back.

If someone says "That block (hit) was awesome!" - I will usually follow up with - "Oh thanks, but I fouled out straight after!" But but but...

Why do that?? Why turn a compliment into a chance to berate yourself? I don't think I'm alone in doing this? I do notice others do it too.

"Your hair colour looks nice!"
"Oh thanks, but its just a cheap bottle dye"

BUT BUT BUT.  No more butts. "Thank you" is an adequate response on its own.

I think mastering (and quieting) your own negative self talk, whether its related to your looks, weight, job performance, personality, emotions..anything, can be the key to real happiness and confidence.

We can't all be mentally full of sunshine, roses and puppies all the time - shit happens, emotions happen, but if you mentally talk to yourself like shit, instead of motiving change, you just motive more self doubt and hurt no one but yourself.

I'm going to be making a real effort from now on to root out negative self talk. Who's with me?

I'll leave you with this gem that actually happened last night before I went to sleep...

Me - "Why do I keep bringing myself down?!..Because you're a knob, that's why!"


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